It's official--we are now "empty nesters." We dropped off our son at his college dorm last Friday and drove home the next day. I didn't cry when we said goodbye, I made it through Spanish Fork Canyon (known by other departing parents as the Canyon of Tears) just fine, and all the way across the Rocky Mountains without shedding a tear. And then we came home. To an empty house. To a quiet house. To a house without children.
And then the tears came.
I knew I was not alone in my sorrow, though in the past my husband has not been nearly as "openly sentimental," shall we say, as I had been when our children left. But we had not been home even 24 hours when he asked me, "What if there's no purpose to life without children at home?"
That was the golden question. We sat behind a family with small children at church that day and I found myself starting to cry every time I looked at them. And at the end of church I kept looking for my son and then tearing up when I realized he wasn't there. Frankly, I was a mess. I needed to get a grip. Emotions were much too close to the surface and I didn't want to make everyone around me uncomfortable (i.e. "Why is Shireen curled up in the fetal position, rocking back and forth and sobbing?"). There had been no tragedy in my life--just the fact that I love my children so much and miss them.
So I guess that the thing to do at this point is just accept what is. Feelings are close to the surface--accept it and know that I am normal. Though I should probably stay away from any YouTube videos with babies in them for a while unless I'm sure that no one is watching.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Empty Nest Syndrome is not a clinical condition
My youngest son leaves for college in a few days, and I've found myself on an emotional roller coaster the last few months, randomly weeping at sentimental tv commercials or videos of cute babies on YouTube. I've already gone through menopause, so I couldn't blame the hormones, and I had started to wonder if there was something seriously wrong with me.
So I did what every normal American does when they need to find out information--I looked up "empty nest syndrome" on Wikipedia (that ultimate source of all truth), where I read: "Empty nest syndrome is a feeling of grief and loneliness parents or guardians may feel when their children leave home for the first time, such as to live on their own or to attend a college or university. It is not a clinical condition." I am relieved to know that I will not need to be medicated or hospitilized now that my children are gone.
And then I read further: "Since a young adult moving out from his or her parents' house is generally a normal and healthy event, the symptoms of empty nest syndrome often go unrecognized. This can result in depression and a loss of purpose for parents, since the departure of their children from "the nest" leads to adjustments in parents' lives. Empty nest syndrome is especially common in full-time mothers." As I have been a "full-time mother" (what does that even mean? What does a part-time mother do when she's off of "work"???) ever since I gave birth to my first child 22 1/2 years ago, I guess that wandering aimlessly from room to room trying to remember just what exactly I need to do today (or find the list that tells me what to do) is perfectly normal.
Wikipedia also informed me that "Parents who experience empty nest syndrome often question whether or not they have adequately prepared their child to live independently." Does this include worrying whether he'll remember to eat lunch or if he'll ever go to bed before 4am? Or if he'll remember to do his homework and learn not to procrastinate until the last possible minute? How about wondering how many times a week he will eat vegetables? Or if he will spend all of his money in the first 2 months of school? I'm sure that with time, I will quit obsessing about the answers to these questions, especially when I realize he is 9 hours away and there's really nothing I can do about it anyway.
So I guess all of these feelings are normal, and I should be grateful to Wikipedia for saving me the bother of a trip to the doctor to ask why I find myself tearfully looking at random 4-year-olds and wondering just how my 4-year-old son turned into an 18-year-old college student without even asking my permission. I will try to remember this fact next week when we take him to school and see if that will help as we say goodbye and head home without him. It probably won't, but it might. Thankfully, we still have a dog at home...
So I did what every normal American does when they need to find out information--I looked up "empty nest syndrome" on Wikipedia (that ultimate source of all truth), where I read: "Empty nest syndrome is a feeling of grief and loneliness parents or guardians may feel when their children leave home for the first time, such as to live on their own or to attend a college or university. It is not a clinical condition." I am relieved to know that I will not need to be medicated or hospitilized now that my children are gone.
And then I read further: "Since a young adult moving out from his or her parents' house is generally a normal and healthy event, the symptoms of empty nest syndrome often go unrecognized. This can result in depression and a loss of purpose for parents, since the departure of their children from "the nest" leads to adjustments in parents' lives. Empty nest syndrome is especially common in full-time mothers." As I have been a "full-time mother" (what does that even mean? What does a part-time mother do when she's off of "work"???) ever since I gave birth to my first child 22 1/2 years ago, I guess that wandering aimlessly from room to room trying to remember just what exactly I need to do today (or find the list that tells me what to do) is perfectly normal.
Wikipedia also informed me that "Parents who experience empty nest syndrome often question whether or not they have adequately prepared their child to live independently." Does this include worrying whether he'll remember to eat lunch or if he'll ever go to bed before 4am? Or if he'll remember to do his homework and learn not to procrastinate until the last possible minute? How about wondering how many times a week he will eat vegetables? Or if he will spend all of his money in the first 2 months of school? I'm sure that with time, I will quit obsessing about the answers to these questions, especially when I realize he is 9 hours away and there's really nothing I can do about it anyway.
So I guess all of these feelings are normal, and I should be grateful to Wikipedia for saving me the bother of a trip to the doctor to ask why I find myself tearfully looking at random 4-year-olds and wondering just how my 4-year-old son turned into an 18-year-old college student without even asking my permission. I will try to remember this fact next week when we take him to school and see if that will help as we say goodbye and head home without him. It probably won't, but it might. Thankfully, we still have a dog at home...
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